I hate getting into politics, mainly because I don’t feel I’m informed enough to make those kinds of judgement calls. You might say that makes me an irresponsible American, but I feel quite the contrary. How many morons out there act like they understand the issues, but really don’t know jack shit? The majority, actually. So am I ignorant? Yes. But I admit it, and I have a willingness to be informed.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what’s got my kilt in a bunch this morning. Yesterday morning, I woke up and checked the news, curious to see the Iowa caucus results. I was utterly shocked, not by the fact that Mitt Romney came in first or that Ron Paul didn’t. No, no, no. I was shocked by the fact that Rick Santorum came in second only eight votes behind Romney. Why was I so shocked? Because I had never even heard of Rick Santorum before.
So what? You just admitted you’re ignorant on political issues.
I did, yes. However, in case you’re not aware, I live in Iowa, which means from about 7AM until a little after 10 PM, my phone is ringing off the hook during election season. Every time I watch a video on YouTube, I first have to sit through political ads. I have heard Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, and the rest of their ilk rave at and about each other so much my ear canal feels like it’s been fucked by a freight train! So why is it that, until results day, I never heard of Rick Santorum? Even more disturbing, I immediately asked my wife who he was, and she’d never heard of him. Okay, that’s not too surprising — we get our news from the same sources, after all. So I called my parents, who keep a very close eye on politics. When I asked my mother about Mr. Santorum, she said, “I have no idea. I had to ask your father, and he doesn’t know either.”
Folks, this is extremely disturbing that a candidate can be placed so high in the polls without a registered voter in Iowa ever even so much as hearing his name! I found out my family wasn’t the only one whose radar Santorum has flown under. Apparently quite a few people in the southern Iowa counties never heard of him either. Do I think the election was fixed? No, certainly not. But I do think there was some shady information control going on.
Now, I’m sure you’ve looked at the graphic in this post and wondered why I posted it. I’m getting to that. See, when I couldn’t find anybody that knew who this asshole was, I went to the Oracle — Facebook. I was immediately snowed under with comments detailing Santorum’s bigotry, homophobia, and shady under-the-table deals. So I’m going to use this event as a springboard into a topic I’ve been meaning to cover for a long, long time now… Gay rights.
Right-wing nutcases like Santorum have this crazy notion that gay marriage will destroy the sanctity of marriage and open the doors for such insane notions as legalized pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, and even the right to marry a machine. Do you know what happens when gay people get married? Gay people get married. That’s all, folks. They have a fabulous ceremony, eat some cake, dance to Lady Gaga, and they go home and live their lives just like you and I do. They don’t toast the impending downfall of the American way of life, they don’t plot the next step in their “gaygenda” (thanks to Andrew Wolter for that fabulous term), and they don’t have rampant buttsecks on top of the wedding cake. Sorry, folks… it just doesn’t happen.
But… But… Homosexuality is a sin!
It’s in the Bible!
Okay, fair enough. Well, while you’re looking up the appropriate verse, because I’m fairly certain you’ve never actually cracked it open to that particular page and are just going by hearsay, let me treat you to a quotation from the late, great Dean of Science Fiction:
“Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other ‘sins’ are invented nonsense.”
- Robert A. Heinlein
How do you like them apples? Look, just because some dusty book written over two thousand years ago says something makes Jesus cry, doesn’t make it so.
But it’s the word of God!
Okay, it’s the word of God. But let’s face the facts… it’s the “word of God” transcribed by humans. The Holy Bible was written, rewritten, and edited by humans. It was not written by a deity or his heavenly messengers. Do I deny the existence of a higher power? No. I believe the jury is still out on that one, but I still don’t believe anything otherworldly wrote that book. Do you want to know what the Bible is, folks? The Bible is the world’s oldest science fiction anthology, with a negligent editorial staff, a disjointed framing device, and gross continuity errors. There… I said it! Let the butthurt complaints come rolling in.
Back to gay rights. Here is what I believe… I believe that every human being on Earth should have the right to marry whomever they wish, so long as the individual has a pulse, is a member of the species homo sapiens, and is of a level of maturity that allows them to give their full and informed consent (i.e. eighteen years old). Oh… and don’t marry your cousin. That’s just plain icky.
I have many gay friends, and I want them to have the very same rights and opportunities that I enjoy. Race (which is a term I hate), creed, and sexual orientation have no place in determining one’s rights as a human being. A black man is a human being, a Muslim woman is a human being, and gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals are most certainly human beings.
So, Billy Bob, the question I think you need to be asking yourself is how gay rights actually affect you.
No, no… let God take care of God. He’s a big boy. He can fight his own battles; that’s what the archangels are there for. How do gay rights affect you personally?
Well, all them faggots are stealin’ our wome– No, that’s not right. Um… Oh, I know! They got the AIDS!
So does every other social class under the sun. Try again.
Umm… well… I… that is…
Keep me posted, Jethro. I’ll be waiting with baited breath.
Here’s the deal, folks. Gays are no different from straight people. They just like a different flavor of freaky-deaky. And face it… your own concept of sex repulses someone else. It’s inevitable. Gay marriage isn’t going to cause the ice caps to melt, the Venusian Nazi Vampires to invade, or bring about the end of times. You know what it’s going to result in? I’ll say it again: It’s going to result in a lot of gay people getting married. That’s all. It’s not going to affect you one iota.
Yer goin’ to Hell with the rest of them faggots!
I guess I am, Cooter, but you know what? It’s gonna be fabulous!
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